Posted in Culture, Opinion, tagged Andover MA, Boston, Culture, delusions, funny, Northshore, social commentary, WASPS, weathy town, wonderland, yuppies on May 25, 2009|
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I adore the police log in my town. I live twenty minutes north of Boston in a town marked by a sense of entitlement, a remarkably low crime rate, and often delusion. I await the weekly publication of the police log to see what kind of something will have been made out of this week’s nothing. A few weeks ago, a woman was convinced that she spied a body in a bag in a dumpster. It was a hockey bag filled with equipment that someone had discarded. Another resident of this fine little town was convinced that in another dumpster, this time the one belonging to a combination country store and deli had a human hand inside, wrapped inside a leather jacket. When the police went to check, they found that this time it was a discarded chicken. This week’s police log featured a woman who called the police at eleven in the morning, convinced because she heard a sound in the house that there was an intruder. Naturally, there was no one.
People call the police here over turkeys, and often enough, those who are arrested in this town are not from here, and driving without a license. But what should I expect? This is wonderland. An insane little world where the same women who call the police over rogue poultry cut off other drivers with right of way by taking left turns wherever and whenever they want to, Starbucks cup in one hand and cell phone in the other. I live in a town which is inhabited by those who have never mown their own lawns, consider fake breasts a good investment, and don’t bat an eye when married women with children go out on Thursday nights to get wasted in a passe bar next to the library. It is a truly alternate universe. Next week’s police log I can predict will feature: “dead body” discovered to be mass of leftover removed face lift and tummy tuck chunks.
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Emerald Faith 
Alyssa in Wonderland
Posted in Culture, Opinion, tagged Andover MA, Boston, Culture, delusions, funny, Northshore, social commentary, WASPS, weathy town, wonderland, yuppies on May 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »
I adore the police log in my town. I live twenty minutes north of Boston in a town marked by a sense of entitlement, a remarkably low crime rate, and often delusion. I await the weekly publication of the police log to see what kind of something will have been made out of this week’s nothing. A few weeks ago, a woman was convinced that she spied a body in a bag in a dumpster. It was a hockey bag filled with equipment that someone had discarded. Another resident of this fine little town was convinced that in another dumpster, this time the one belonging to a combination country store and deli had a human hand inside, wrapped inside a leather jacket. When the police went to check, they found that this time it was a discarded chicken. This week’s police log featured a woman who called the police at eleven in the morning, convinced because she heard a sound in the house that there was an intruder. Naturally, there was no one.
People call the police here over turkeys, and often enough, those who are arrested in this town are not from here, and driving without a license. But what should I expect? This is wonderland. An insane little world where the same women who call the police over rogue poultry cut off other drivers with right of way by taking left turns wherever and whenever they want to, Starbucks cup in one hand and cell phone in the other. I live in a town which is inhabited by those who have never mown their own lawns, consider fake breasts a good investment, and don’t bat an eye when married women with children go out on Thursday nights to get wasted in a passe bar next to the library. It is a truly alternate universe. Next week’s police log I can predict will feature: “dead body” discovered to be mass of leftover removed face lift and tummy tuck chunks.
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